“Dear Rachael, every time she sees me, my mother (who has dementia) demands that I make travel arrangements for her and my father to go overseas for travel. There is no way they can do that safely, nor would it logistically make any sense at this point. How do I deter her without constantly reminding her she ‘can’t go’?”
You’re right: the trip is a no-go. They can’t make the trip, but that won’t stop them from asking!
This is a situation where you say, “Yes, I’ll help” and then find a barrier that doesn’t involve you. My favorite excuse requires that your mom is price-averse (as most people are). Here’s how this works.
Find a flight to their desired destination on Google Flights. Pick the most expensive option you can find, and then show her what you came up with. Say something like, “Wow! This is really pricey. What do you think about waiting a month or so before looking for a cheaper flight?”
We don’t need to remind mom that she has dementia or that she “can’t” go. We don’t need to be the bad guy.
Another outside barrier you can offer as an excuse is that their passports have expired. You can even have her fill out a “form” to renew it. It doesn’t have to be an actual government-issued form. It can just be a piece of paper with some basic blanks for her to fill in. You can draw it up on your favorite word processor and print it. If she follows up and asks what happened to the form, you can tell her the Passport Office is really backed up and she won’t hear back for a few months (this is usually true, by the way)!
Finally, you can simply pretend to book the trip for your parents. Show them pictures of their dream destination, places to eat, whatever is fun for you to look at as a group. Try to see it as just that: a fun planning activity to do together. Then, pretend to “dial” the travel agent on your phone and book the trip. If she follows up, the trip can always be “next month.”
Remember: With these challenges, we want to solve the emotional problem. Your mom wants to plan a fun trip to look forward to with your dad. It’s a gift you can give her to indulge her vision, to offer her “help” simply because she wants your help. Don’t worry too much about our reality, and just Embrace Her Reality™.
