“Dear Rachael, how long should I stay when I visit with my dad in his memory care community?”
There is no “wrong” answer here, but there are a few things that you’ll need to consider.
Above all, when visiting your loved one with dementia, you need a plan. Plan when you’re going, for how long, and plan your exit strategy.
Plan when you’re going. One aspect of visiting your loved one that matters more than you might think is the time of day you visit. It’s best to visit before lunch. People living with dementia can tend to get tired and/or cranky in the later half of the day (“sundowning” is real). Visit your loved one when they’re most alert and receptive to a visit. Another great perk of visiting before lunch time is that when the Memory Care community begins to serve lunch, it gives you the perfect excuse to leave.
Plan how long you’ll stay. Say it with me: An hour or less is fine. I meet a lot of family members who feel guilty for not spending the entire day with their loved one, but it’s truly okay. Quality over quantity is what matters here. It might be nice to play a quick game of Finishing Lyrics, have a stroll down memory lane (without quizzing your loved one, just following their lead or telling an innocuous story), or sharing something sweet to eat together.
Speaking of an excuse to leave, make sure you plan your exit strategy, whether you leave right at lunch or at another time. Don’t say you “need to go home.” In fact, avoid the word home altogether. This can confuse your loved one with dementia, as they probably do not understand the context of where their home is, and where yours is, especially if they experience Timeline Confusion.
One of my favorite lines to exit on is plainly, “I’ll be back later.” This is a favorite of mine because it’s casual, so it won’t alarm your loved one. It’s true, because you will in fact be back for another visit in the near future. Finally, it’s vague. You’re not making any specific promises; simply, you’ll be back later. Leave without fanfare of any kind. Your loved one will be happier for it.
Follow these tips to the best of your ability, and I know your visits with your loved one will go a lot smoother for both you and them.
