Working in dementia care, we have heard many theories as to what people living with dementia prefer to spend their time doing (or not doing).
“All she wants to do is watch TV all day.”
“She never wants to come to the beauty salon.”
“Every time I ask her if she wants to participate in a craft, she says no.”
Nine times out of ten, modifying how we approach the person living with dementia to engage them will get us better results in guiding them to actually participate in an activity.
Oftentimes, it’s not that they don’t want to do anything. They may have trouble saying yes to things, or they may not understand what they’re being asked to participate in.
The #1 approach we suggest to engage someone living with dementia in an activity is to ask: “Can you help me?”
Most people like to feel purposeful, so when they are asked to help with something, they are far more likely to respond positively than if they were asked “Do you want to do XYZ?”
Asking for help works for structured activities like a game, or a task like folding or sorting (think: towels and socks). It even works for Activities of Daily Living. As you see in the comic, the professional caregiver asks her client living with dementia for help washing his face.
When it comes to structured activities, we always suggest offering people with dementia something purposeful to do.
Although “fidget toys” and “sensory boxes” seem to be gaining more popularity by the day in dementia care, we are not big fans of them at Dementia By Day. In reality, everything is a sensory experience. Why not make their sensory experiences purposeful? Everyone likes to feel a sense of purpose. That’s why we suggest folding and sorting activities that can be easily introduced by asking for help. This might sound like, “Can you help me fold the laundry?” “Can you help me sort this silverware? Thanks so much, I’m really busy today!”
The one exception we would like to highlight is that fidget blankets can be helpful for folks who are very progressed in their disease process, especially if they spend the majority of their time in a wheelchair. Please also note that people with Alzheimer’s disease, specifically, often lose their sense of smell over time, so “sensory” activities that rely primarily on the olfactory sense won’t be very enriching for those folks, anyway.
Another dementia communication tip we fit into this comic is using choice architecture when asking a question. After taking one of our courses, the caregiver asks the person living with dementia if he would like a sandwich or a salad, rather than simply asking if he’s hungry or if he would like something to eat. Open-ended questions can be tough for people living with dementia to answer. Giving them two things to choose from is more likely to result in a positive outcome.
Of course, we can’t actually hear the conversations happening in the comic, but it’s also worth noting that the tone we use when speaking to a person living with dementia makes a huge difference. Approaching them with kindness, confidence, and good energy will get you further than outward frustration or apprehension. A simple, “Come with me!” in the right tone can go a long way.
At first, can feel a little strange to ask for help with something you don’t actually need help with. Give it a try, though, and you will see that— just as we demonstrated in the comic— “Can you help me?” is an almost magical phrase in dementia care.
