Tag: assisted living

22 Questions to ask about assisted living

Are you enjoying my blog posts? Grab a free download of one chapter from my audiobook here and also receive any future helpful tips and posts right to your inbox! I am often asked, “What questions do I need to ask before moving my loved one into an assisted living community?” Here is a pretty comprehensive list, but bear in mind, you are going to want to find most of these out through observation! Don’t show up and fire a million questions at the marketing director. I’m sure you can probably think of more questions as you go through this list. What activities are offered? Are there activities for people living with dementia, specifically? What about downtime? How much downtime is there for residents? What precautions do you have in place for people living with dementia in terms of safety? Locked doors? Alarms? Is this community designed specifically for people living with dementia? What time is breakfast? Lunch? Dinner? Are the other residents here about where my loved one is with regards to their cognitive ability? What time do residents wake up? What time do they go to sleep? Are there snacks offered throughout the day? How is the food? What is the staff-to-resident ratio? What about on third shift? Are there RNs and LPNs on staff, or just CNAs/caregivers? About how long do residents live here? Until they pass away? What hospice companies do you normally use? Do you provide towels, toilet paper, soap, shampoo? What do we need to provide? What furniture is in each resident’s room? Are your staff members trained in dementia care? (If you ask this, they will say yes, even if it isn’t truly TRUE. Observe for yourself to find out.) If I need to reach a staff member via phone, who would I call? What if it’s the middle of the night? How many times per week do residents receive assistance in the shower? Are there many families who visit regularly? What outings are offered for residents? What entertainment is offered for residents? Does someone come in to sing or play an instrument?

March 3, 2019

Assisted Living is NOT your enemy

“We want to keep her out of assisted living as long as possible.” “My brother thinks it’s horrible that we want to move dad.” “I’m exhausted caring for my loved one at home, but moving them just seems cruel.” “She took care of me when I was younger, so now it’s my turn.” “I don’t want to move him to a home.” I’ve heard all of these phrases time and time again. Occasionally I’ll even get a comment on a post that echoes these same sentiments. I published a post recently, “The one-sentence answer to when it’s time to move someone” and somebody on LinkedIn commented one word, “Never.” Frustrated, I commented back. “When you say something like that, you make it even more difficult for stressed and exhausted caregivers to make a decision they may need to make. You’re stigmatizing something that is already over-stigmatized.” I didn’t get a response—no surprise there—but it encouraged me to write this post. Assisted living is not the enemy. Society has beat into us this idea that you “must take care of your person at home forever!” when, for some people, this isn’t feasible, reasonable, responsible, or safe. Honestly, that’s why I wrote my book. I realized that there were so many people in the same boat: they felt guilty about moving a loved one and didn’t know where to turn for answers. I wanted to write something that not only answered their questions but also made them feel OKAY but making a hard choice. Don’t let someone tell you what is right for you or your loved ones’ living situation. Learn from me online by taking one of my classes! Use the code DEMENTIABYDAY for $10 off “Everything You Need To Know About Dementia”

February 10, 2019

At home, in adult day care, in assisted living…how do you know if it’s a good fit?

Are you enjoying my blog posts? Grab a free download of one chapter from my audiobook here and also receive any future helpful tips and posts right to your inbox! How can you tell if where your loved one with dementia is currently living is…well, working? How do you know if it’s the right fit? It’s pretty difficult to ask someone living with dementia what their opinion is on the subject. Even if you were to move them, would that make them happier? Would it be safer? “It’s getting late,” Maryann said, looking out the window. “I think it’s time I head home.” I’d heard this phrase a million times from a million different people. “I want to go home,” is a common phrase from someone living with dementia. There’s always a sense that, where they are, isn’t where they ought to be. In this case, however, Maryann was home: she’d been living in the same house for over fifty years! In her mind, however, she wasn’t home at all. For her, I came to realize, “home” was where she’d grown up. “Let’s go tomorrow morning,” I offered. “It’s getting dark. I don’t like to drive in the dark.” Maryann agreed. “Me neither,” she said, shaking her head. Remember that we never, ever want to “convince” someone with dementia of something. We don’t want to tell them that their loved ones are dead, we don’t want to tell them that where they are living IS their home, we don’t want to remind them that they have dementia. So, we can’t really ask someone living with dementia if they like where they are living: that’s a very open-ended question that supposes they understand their options. And most people with dementia cannot understand their options. Then, how do we know if where they are living is a good fit? Let’s see: Is it safe? For them and for you, we need to ensure that where they are living is safe. Does home have way, way too many stairs? Does the assisted living building not keep track of their comings and goings? Do they socialize? I’ve had residents in my dementia care communities who will tell their family members that “they have no friends and they are bored all the time” and after the family leaves, they’re sitting at a table laughing and talking with their friends while doing a craft. (So, you may need to remove any bias you have while evaluating this.) Do they seem happy, generally? Again, we can’t really ask someone if they are happy, we just need to evaluate. Do they get the right nutrition? Not just food, but water. Are they eating and drinking enough? Are there things to do to alleviate boredom—and are these things at their level of need and skill? I’ve seen many people with dementia living in independent living communities who have such a hard time “keeping up.” They don’t know what to do when or how. Their level of need is much greater than the population that independent living was designed for. My point is this: your loved one living with dementia will probably, at some point, mention “going home.” Assuming that a MOVE is the right answer is probably too quick of an assumption. There are a lot of factors worth evaluating! Sign up for my blog emails here!

January 20, 2019

How one woman got her husband to agree to attend adult day care

She knew that she’d have a hard time getting her husband, Ben, into adult day care. Ben loved working, and now that he was retired and had dementia, he still liked to find projects to do. Convincing him that he could benefit from adult day care certainly wasn’t going to work (and doing this with anyone with dementia is not advisable.) Instead of arguing with him, she spent a couple weeks getting Ben excited about the opportunity. Each morning at breakfast, she’d begin talking about the adult day program, but reframing it. “There’s this new program,” she told him. “They need more people to work there, but it’s really tough to get in.” A couple weeks into repeating this idea, she finally announced to him that she’d gotten good news. “It turns out they have an opening!” she told Ben. Ben was excited: he’d gotten into this new program. At first, Ben just went a couple days a week. He seemed as though he enjoyed “working” there, but didn’t really want to take on more days. “Here’s the thing,” she told him. “They love your work and they want you to put in a few more hours…do you think you’re up for the task?” Of course, he was up for the task. Ben was thrilled to be needed like this. “When will I see my paycheck?” Ben asked his wife. “Well, you see, it goes right back into the program, that’s how their non-profit status works,” she explained. Ben goes to day care every weekday now. Both of them are very happy with how it’s worked out. By embracing his reality, she was able to make this new arrangement work for both of them. Have you signed up for my blog?

December 30, 2018

Assisted Living is not your enemy

“We want to keep her out of assisted living as long as possible.” “My brother thinks it’s horrible that we want to move dad.” “I’m exhausted caring for my loved one at home, but moving them just seems cruel.” “She took care of me when I was younger, so now it’s my turn.” “I don’t want to move him to a home.” I’ve heard all of these phrases time and time again. Occasionally I’ll even get a comment on a post that echoes these same sentiments. I published a post recently, “The one-sentence answer to when it’s time to move someone” and somebody on LinkedIn commented one word, “Never.” Frustrated, I commented back. “When you say something like that, you make it even more difficult for stressed and exhausted caregivers to make a decision they may need to make. You’re stigmatizing something that is already over-stigmatized.” I didn’t get a response—no surprise there—but it encouraged me to write this post. Assisted living is NOT YOUR ENEMY. Society has beat into us this idea that you “must take care of your person at home forever!!!!” when, for some people, this isn’t feasible, reasonable, responsible, or safe. Honestly, that’s why I wrote my book. I realized that there were so many people in the same boat: they felt guilty about moving a loved one and didn’t know where to turn for answers. I wanted to write something that not only answered their questions but also made them feel OKAY but making a hard choice. Don’t let someone tell you what is right for you or your loved ones’ living situation. Sign up for my emails to get great info like this, straight to your inbox.

October 25, 2018

“I don’t really remember it, but I know it’s there.”

We were playing a “fill in the blank” game. I had gathered six of the residents in the front hallway of the Skilled Nursing Facility, in the hopes that more would join as they walked by. My little trick worked, and soon I had 10 people gathered around, engaging in the game. This fill-in-the-blank book is one of my absolute favorite things to do with people who have dementia. It never ceases to amaze me how many of the residents can recall lyrics, sayings, or phrases that they know. Sometimes, a lyric will even inspire everyone to start singing. Julia stood next to me. She was a thin, pleasant woman of 86 years old. Julia loved dancing, which I had recently learned, and particularly loved anything with a fast beat. Julia’s dementia was fairly progressed, so it was challenging to hold full conversations with her. She always responded to your questions or comments, but sometimes the response was about something completely off-topic. In this game, however, Julia was a master. “You ain’t nothin’ but a…” I started. “Hound dog!” the group said, and Julia, faithfully on my left, also added quietly in my ear. “A penny saved…” I started. “Is a penny earned,” the group responded. Julia touched my arm to get my attention. “I don’t really remember it, but I know it’s there,” she said, pointing to her head. What a great way to describe the complexities of dementia care, I thought.

February 10, 2017

How to move mom into assisted living without a battle

I get asked about moving loved ones to dementia care communities all the time. Families usually feel guilty, panicked, and concerned that their loved one with dementia will be very angry with them. Here are some of my favorite tips to make it go smoother! Order my book and get a whole chapter on this topic 1. Understand that, at some point, the person with dementia can no longer make a safe choice regarding their own care. So, when your mom told you that she “never wanted to move to an old folks home” that was probably when she was in her best state of mind. Now, she’s not in her best state of mind. Now, she needs more care than you can probably give. So give yourself a break! 2. Visit a few communities before making a choice. You should look at location, affordability, levels of care (do they have resources available if mom needs some physical rehab?) and general environment, which includes smell, look, feel, and taste (check out the dining rooms!) 3. If your loved one is going to panic when they hear about the move, DON’T TELL THEM. Suggest that they are going to be staying there for a doctor’s appointment, to eat meals, or just to meet new people. Never say, “you live here now,” which implies an indefinite amount of time. 4. If they will handle the move without much trouble, let them have some control over where their new room is and how it’s set up. Put them in charge. Let your loved one with dementia feel as though she can still make some choices regarding her care. 5. Visit as often as you want. There is no right or wrong answer here. It depends entirely on you and your loved one. When can you take your loved one out for lunch? As soon as you feel it’s appropriate! Those are just a few quick tips. If you’re considering moving your loved one into long-term care, and need some more specific advice, I recommend giving me a call! I help a lot of family members make that transition.

September 16, 2016